THE NOD CORNER
SPECIAL THANKS TO THE STEVENAGE INFANT'S SCHOOL PROVIDING USE OF THEIR ASSEMBLY HALL AND HEAD OF DINNER LADIES MRS MIMMS FOR TEA AND MINCE PIES
CARL: All right, let's get this show on the road. Where's the angel Gabriel?
NOD (Being winched up to the rafters by TONY with a block and tackle): Up here. Oy, Carl, when's the saundcheck?
CARL: There isn't one, Nod. It's just gonna be a natural fing, right, we're gonna project from within.
NOD: This block and tackle's crushing my bollocks!
TONY: Bollocks and tackle! ha! Ha! Ha! (All the little Neffs fall about laughing)
PAUL: 'Ere Carl,why is it always me that 'as to clear up after the donkey?
TONY: 'Cause you're shit, thats why! Ha! Ha! (Neffs fall about laughing again. PAUL and TONY start scuffling)
CARL: Oy, break it up! Now we're gonna start wiv the opening scene. Mary's scrubbing the floor-
TONY: 'Cause she's a scrubber, ha ha ha!
CARL: And The Angel Gabriel appears to her in a blinding light. All right. I'll be the Virgin Mary.
TONY: 'Cause you're a virgin ha ha!
CARL: No I ain't! I've shagged more women than you've had hot dinners. It's a wonder I haven't got one of those diseases, or some such.
NOD: You'd look pretty silly trying to shag a hot dinner. You'd get mashed potato all over your thing. (All the Neffs look perplexed)
CARL: Er - yeah, well, precisely my point. Anyway, I'm scrubbing the floor and an angel appears. (Starts scrubbing. Nod stands on a stool and holds up his arms listlessly) Behold! The Angel Gabriel! What do you want? I am but a virgin!
NOD: I bring you glad tidings - 'ere, Carl, what are "tidings"?
CARL: Never mind. I fink its something to do with the sea.
PAUL: Wot, you mean like seaweed or something? Behold, Mary, I bring you seaweed!
TONY: Yeah, and while we're at it Carl, wots a "manger"? Or "myrrh?" We ain't got none of that down our end!
OTHERS: Yeah! Tell us, Carl!
CARL: Look, I dunno - I mean, its a mystery, right? In olden days, people just said these fings but nobody asked wot they meant cos they were religious mysteries...
TONY: 'Ere, Carl, are you going to have to take your trousers down for the Immaculate Conception?
PAUL: Yeah! Where's Nod gonna give it you? Up the bum?
CARL: (Angrily): No! No! It's just magic - Nod just waves his hand, or sumfing... look, lets get on with it. Where were you, Nod?
NOD: Greetings Mary. My name is Peter Gabriel - (other NEFFS fall about laughing) 'Ere, Carl they're putting me off! Get'em out of here!
CARL: All right you lot, you're supposed to be the three Wise Men so get your gifts together. What are these glad tidings Nod - er - Gabriel?
NOD: You - shall - bear - a - child. And - men - shall - call - him - Jesus. And - now - you - must - ride - to - Bethlehem - on - a - donkey - because - there - is - no - room - at - the - inn. And - wise - men - shall - come - bringing - gold - frankin - frankin - and - myrrh.
(ENTER three wise men, led by PAUL)
PAUL: We three Kings from Orient are. The shepherds are a bit late because they're still washing Nod's socks! (Three Kings fall about laughing) We looked for some myrrh in Pete's mum's larder but all we could find was this flour (10-minute flour bomb fight ensues).
CARL (White faced and spluttering): You're not supposed to come in yet! We haven't sung Away In A Manger!
PAUL: 'Ere, Carl, sees as I'm a black king can I do my bit as a rap?
CARL: No! Piss off. Look, you can't have the Kings until the baby is born in the stable.
PAUL: All right, well, we'll wait 'ere until you've had the baby Jesus.
CARL: You can't do that! You've all gotter play innkeepers. Nod, you have to be Joseph.
TONY: Josphine, more like! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (10-minute donkey dung fight ensues).
CARL: Look, just get in positions. (Nod knocks at makeshift inn door)
PETE: (As first inkeeper): What?
NOD: Is - there - room - in - the - inn for - my - wife - and I? She - is - with child - and - he - will - be - called - Messiah. Hosanna - in - the - highest.
PETE: Piss off. You're not on the guest list.
(PAUL and TONY, the other innkeepers, fall about laughing behind their own makeshift doors)
NOD: 'Ere, 'e's not meant to say that!
CARL: Never mind. Just knock on the next one. (NOD knocks)
NOD: Is - there - room - in - the - inn. Behold - the - evening - star (The badly nailed up evening star falls from the rafter) A little - child - this - night - will - in - Bethlehem - be - born.
TONY: We'll let the donkey in Nod but not you.
NOD: Why not?
TONY: Because you smell (All the other Neffs fall about laughing) You'll have to go the stable. It stinks of shit but you'll be used to that (10-minute scuffle between NOD and TONY in the stable straw)
CARL: (Hastily producing doll from underneath his cloak): Anyway, I've given birth to the baby Jesus now so you have to shower blessings on him.
TONY (Snatching doll): 'Ere, it's not even a boy doll. (Tugs wire out of its back) Its a Tiny Tears! (Electronic voice says: Eat - dirt - slit - eyed - geek. I - am - the - law")
NOD: That's not a Tiny Tears. That's my Rambo doll! I never said you could use that!
CARL: Yeah, well, it was all I could get at short notice. Anyway, I'm fed up with this. Let's go home for our teas.
(Curtain falls. Applause from Stevenage parents)